


home (where I belong)

by RedPaladins



Series: hundreds of lives, thousands of years [3]
Category: Dream SMP (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Deity Dream XD, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, It/Its Pronouns for Deity Dream XD, Karl Jacobs & the In-Between, Karl Jacobs-centric, M/M, Memory Loss, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Sad with a Happy Ending, Time Travel, Time Travelling Karl Jacobs, mentions of a multiverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:53:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29318943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedPaladins/pseuds/RedPaladins
Summary: Karl, the In Between, and going home.
Relationships: (but can be read as platonic bc it's barely there), Alexis | Quackity & Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, Implied Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Karl Jacobs & Dream XD
Series: hundreds of lives, thousands of years [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2122641
Comments: 15
Kudos: 68





	home (where I belong)

**Author's Note:**

> title from Runaway by Aurora, (I wanted to take all of my titles from Lord Huron's songs because why not, but this one powered me through this fic so fjkdssk)
> 
> we got the "out of character" tag out boys :D mostly because you can't really be out of character when writing Dream XD... I don't know much about Karl, so I don't know if I did him bad but I hope I didn't.  
> this is part of a serie, but I think reading it without context should be fine ! also, I started writing the serie before it was canon that Karl doesn't control his travels through time, so it's not really canon here, and there might be others inaccuracies too, sorry. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy :]

The In-Between has always been a strange place; it is not one Karl remembers once he leaves it, but it always feels familiar when he comes back to it– familiar in a good way, like being wrapped in a warm blanket after getting it out of the laundry dryer; a way that feels comforting, and safe. In the In-Between, he doesn’t feel worried anymore; it’s a place for him to rest, one he would call a second home if he remembered what was his first one. 

It’s that thought that makes him move forward, across the grand hall. He doesn’t remember why he has to go this way, but the path seems familiar, and Karl has long since learned to trust his instinct– it has saved him many times before, and it's the only thing he can rely on since his memory failed him. He doesn’t hurry; the things waiting for him in this place will not disappear, unlike everything he’s been trying to save after discovering his time-traveling ability. And so he takes his time to listen to the birds singing outside, his footsteps echoing through the gigantic white walls as he walks to the stairs. 

It’s as he picks up the book on the floor that he notices his hoodie lacking his usual colors– actually, now that he takes a look at it, he is covered in white, as if he was one with the place– and Karl finds out that he doesn’t mind so much; he does miss how it used to be, but it’s been so long since he felt like he belonged somewhere that it feels great to be united with something as comforting as the In-Between. 

The book mostly tells him things he already knows, but Karl still takes the time to read every word carefully, as if it was the first time. He doesn’t know who wrote it, and his instinct tells him that it isn’t himself, or another time traveler– it might be because of the familiar yet so foreign handwriting, or the warm feeling of comfort he gets when he reads it as if it was written for this specific reason; to make him less afraid, to ground him when he needed it after a rough journey. He stares at the last page, lets his hand roams through the page, fingers stopping on the last words, before closing it and putting it where he found it. It feels like a goodbye, and Karl hopes it is– he loves this castle, but he is here to make a last travel, a last try to save his home, and he can’t stay here forever, no matter how nice it sounds. He can not forget his goal just because he suddenly feels more comfortable than he has ever been in months, or maybe years. 

Finding the swings is easy, Karl almost working on muscle memory alone, and he stops before entering the small garden to look at his reflection in a small puddle at the bottom of the stairs. It must have rained not so long ago, even if now the sun is almost blinding, bouncing off the white marble of the castle. The birds are still singing a calm melody, impossible to miss even if they are nowhere in sight, and maybe their song being so relaxing is the reason why he doesn’t find it strange to see white streaks in his hair. It suits his new aesthetic and the rest of his home, so Karl doesn’t question it- he thinks he quite likes how it looks, actually.

The second book doesn’t seem to be written by the same person as the other; or at least, not entirely. He has a feeling some parts were, because they have the same effect on him, but some others, the ones that tell him to explore the castle, seems to be from someone else, someone who understands– and maybe he was the one to write these words and doesn’t remember, or maybe it was another time traveler– it doesn’t really matter anyway, because Karl doesn’t get the time to think about it too much; there’s a sudden change in the atmosphere and the swing he is on starts moving a little as a cold breeze picks up.

When Karl looks up to his side, there is a deity sitting on the other swing; almost floating in the air, occupying as much space as possible with its dark green colored robes going all over the place. Its presence feels breath-taking, and for a minute, Karl wonders if all of this is a dream, if he died before getting in the In-Between; the deity chuckles at that, as though it heard his thought, and turns its head in his direction. It's entirely covered by a mask similar to Dream’s, if Dream’s was more used and had an XD engraved on it; as scary as it looks, it doesn’t have a threatening aura– on the contrary, Karl feels it familiar, like an old friend he forgot about. 

“It has been a while since I’ve seen you, my dear. Rest assured, you are very much alive.” Its low voice echoes through the entire castle and sounds surprisingly cheery, like it had talked with a smile under its mask, and Karl finds himself relaxing once more. He might not remember it, but his instinct tells him he is safe and that this isn’t the first meeting the deity. 

“Do we know each other ?” He asks, because there must be a reason for it to be by his side and this is probably the last time Karl comes here; he wants to know who is he talking to– he is tired of having unanswered questions in his mind. 

He gets another chuckle as a response, and Karl begins to feel uneasy. He knows he is in a safe place, but how are you supposed to act around a deity? (Especially when said deity sends opposite vibes, looking terrifying and sounding mocking while radiating a comfortable and familiar energy at the same time?)   
It moves on the swing, and Karl perceives what seems to be its arms under its robes; long, thin, and entirely black, as if it was made out of dark wooden sticks. He shudders at the idea and tries to look up to its mask again, worried at the idea of being caught staring. 

“We do, little boy. We meet every time you come here; I just make you forget. Can’t have you running around time talking about being friends with the deity of the universe now, can we ?” It laughs and it is a deep, hoarse laughter that resonates in Karl’s entire body, freezing him where he sits. He nods slowly, and finds himself unable to look away from the mask– his skin is itching from under his hoodie, and he wants to get up but his legs won’t obey him. 

The deity stops talking for a while, and the birds have stopped singing; now, the only noise audible is the deity’s fingers tapping its wrists, as if it were nervous. It sighs, and Karl feels himself take a deep breath in return, the uneasy feeling he had finally leaving him. His skin stops itching, and he carefully moves his legs again, enjoying the comfortable atmosphere coming back. Then, the deity stops tapping its fingers, and Karl turns to it once more; looking at its mask doesn’t feel scary anymore, and more like familiar– he trusts the deity when it says they are friends, and that means they have met here more than one time, have probably talked a lot, too. The deity doesn’t move, but Karl can feel its smile before it starts to talk again. 

“We talked every time you came here; about a lot of things, not necessarily about your travels. It has been a long time since I had a friend, and I will miss your presence in my home, Karl Jacobs. It pains me to see you leave.” It whispers softly, voice no longer blood-chilling, and Karl feels suddenly sad; he might not remember, but he likes the deity’s presence near him; it’s painful to think about losing another friend, especially when he knows he won’t be able to remember it. 

The sun is still high in the sky, but Karl finds himself freezing. He tries to gather as much heat as possible by keeping his hoodie close to his body, but it’s useless– it doesn’t seem like the cold is coming from the outside, more like the inside of him, and he is about to get up when the deity starts speaking again.

“There is just one thing I don’t understand, my friend, and I hope you can clear this up for me before leaving.” It takes a break, and stares at him through the mask– Karl feels his stomach turn and it takes everything in him to not stop breathing when it starts speaking again. “Why do you keep doing it ?”

“Keep doing what ?” His voice comes out shaky, and it’s a useless question, because he already knows the answer– this is the deity of the universe, the one that lives in the In-Between; it is not about to ask him something as stupid as to why he keeps watering the plants of the castle when he has the time to. 

The deity doesn’t look away from him, and doesn’t speak for a moment, as if it was waiting for Karl to make the first step in this conversation; it hums when it becomes clear that Karl won’t say more, and straighten itself. Gone is the feeling of comfort as it looms over him, making him feel like a trapped prey. 

“Why do you keep traveling, unbeknownst to your health, when it ends horribly every time?” It doesn’t come out harsh; it’s nothing but a softly asked question, yet it feels like a knife slowly making its way to Karl’s heart, leaving him no choice but to answer if he wants it to stop. Still, he keeps his mouth shut, even when he starts tasting bile. The deity doesn’t seem to be happy with that, because it continues. 

“That person, Dream. You care about him.” And it comes out accusatory, leaving no place to argue. 

“I do.” It’s not something he likes to admit, but it’s the truth– Dream was a friend, once, he thinks– and it’s hard for him to let go of someone, not when he knows he has the ability to save that person. 

The deity tilts its head at an inhuman angle, intrigued. Karl tries to move, to cross his arms against his chest so he can warm himself a little, but his arms don’t answer his command. He would look down to his body to see what happened, but he finds himself incapable of looking away from the deity’s mask once again.

“But he hurts you.” And gone is the accusatory tone of its voice; it sounds pained, as if it was the one hurting when speaking. “So why, my dear, why do you keep doing it when he asks you to ?” 

“I’m not doing it for him,” Karl answers quickly, on the defensive. He does care about Dream, but the travels aren’t for him, aren’t only because he asks him to do it. Dream used to be a friend, sure, but Karl doesn’t owe anything to the monster who took everything away from him. 

It seems more intrigued at that answer, and Karl sees it getting closer. Its voice is still soft, almost a whisper, as if not to scare him, but it feels like sugar covering poison, a slow walk to an inevitable death. “For who, then ?” 

Karl keeps quiet at that, because– because he knows the answer, of course he knows, there has always been only one reason for his travels and it has never changed, but now that someone asked him, it feels like a lie. He swallows hard and tries to answer confidently. “For my friends, for–” he stumbles over his words and starts again. “For my family.” It comes out hushed, and Karl feels the tears coming up. So much for trying to sound confident. 

The deity stops moving, and Karl doesn’t see it but he can feel it, the mocking smile under the mask. He wants to leave; he is feeling tired and he wants all of this to be over already. It doesn’t seem to care about that though, because it starts speaking again, apparently not satisfied with that answer. “Oh, really? But you barely remember them. It doesn’t make sense to me, my friend. Why would you continue to put yourself in danger, over and over, for people you don’t even know anymore ?” 

Karl doesn’t stop the tears from coming out, because it hurts to hear it, because– because it's right. No. No, it isn’t right; Karl remembers them, he knows who they are and why he’s doing this for. He’s doing this for his family, for… Oh. He forgot their names again. But… But that’s alright, he doesn’t... He doesn’t need to remember them exactly, as long as he still knows why he’s doing this, right? That has to count for something. And he might– he might not remember their names or faces but he knows why he hasn’t given up yet. “I do it because I love them.”   
  
It doesn’t come out as firm as he wishes it to; it feels more like he’s trying to reassure himself rather than convince the deity, but that doesn’t stop him from continuing. “I want them to be happy. They... They’ve been through so much even when they didn’t deserve it and... And I have to fix it! I can’t just... Just stand there and do nothing.” He takes a few shaky breaths, and tries to control the tears as the silence takes over once more. His eyes are looking at the ground, now, desperately searching for a distraction; he can feel the deity’s eyes analyzing him, looking right through his half-truths. Not looking at it doesn’t change much, and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe; his view is blurred by the tears and there’s a lump in his throat. He wants to leave. 

Finally, it starts speaking again; cold but soft once more. “What about you, then? You do so much for people who don’t even know what you risk every day for them; for people who wouldn’t even think about doing the same for you. Do you not deserve to be happy, too ?” 

Karl stays quiet, at that. He doesn’t know what to answer– and even if he did, he’s not sure he could. Everything feels too much– his hoodie is too heavy on him, his skin is itching, and it just feels wrong. He is cold, but the sun is still bouncing off the white marble and it’s blinding him– he hates it. Everything is so white, even his clothes– and it’s wrong, it’s not him at all. He is supposed to be colorful, he is supposed to be loud– this isn’t him, has never been him, and he wants to get out, doesn’t understand how he could have once thought of this hell as home, as a comforting place. The silence is too much, but the noises coming out of the swing’s chain makes him want to scream– nothing is right, and he needs to leave before he starts losing his mind. But his body doesn’t obey him (of course it doesn’t) and the deity speaks again, voice resonating everywhere, leaving him no escape.  
  
“Who do you do this for, my friend ?” 

And it’s like the thread holding him together snaps at once; he screams his answer and it echoes in the castle. “I do it for myself !!”   
His voice is hoarse and he feels out of breath, but now that he started it feels like he can’t stop– and so he doesn’t, because he’s so tired and fighting is useless– he might as well let everything out, and if that costs him dying because the deity gets offended then so be it; he doesn’t care anymore. “Is this what you wanted to hear ?! Are you done now? I don’t care if I don’t remember them, or if they’re strangers to me now, and if they hurt me or if they wouldn’t do the same for me– I loved them !” He lets out a wail at that, and cries some more. “They were everything to me, and now they’re gone! They’re gone, and no matter what I do it feels like I can never fix it and I’m so tired of hurting again and again. I want it to stop. I’m so tired. I don’t care anymore, I just– I just want to go home, please. I just want to be with them again...” 

He must look pathetic, sobbing and screaming like a child, but he doesn’t care– doesn’t have the capacity to think about anything else other than how much he’s hurting now.   
Somewhere during his confession, the deity pulled him in its arms; he is engulfed in its dark green robes, and there are thin and long fingers gently playing with his hair. The deity hums, deep and low, and Karl can feel it vibrates against him– he’s still hurting, still crying, but he finds gulping for air a little easier than before, now.  
He feels like a child again, consoled and rocked by a parent; he doesn’t try to fight it– it feels good to be taken care of after being alone for so long. The deity seems to be pleased with its decision, because a hand starts to rub circles on his back, slowly grounding him to reality again. Karl can feel its finger remove a knot before continuing to play with his hair, slow motions making him close his eyes. He was tired before, and is even more tired now– he had tried so hard to keep it for himself, it had been draining to finally let it out. When the deity starts speaking again, it is nothing like before; its voice is comforting and relaxing, and Karl feels safe in its arms.

“Do you want to know who helped writing those books, my friend ?” His throat hurts from all the screaming before, and he finds it hard to answer; so Karl only nods his head, hoping that it’s enough. He can feel the deity smiles as it hums one last time, before speaking again. 

“In one universe, after you left it– two of your… friends were worried for you. Apparently, you told them about your ability, and they didn’t mind it, but you had been missing for a few days– they didn’t like it. Do you know what they did ?” Karl doesn’t answer, trying to stay focused on the story– he doesn’t remember telling anyone his ability; he wonders if he did it more than one time. “They went to my shrine, because I am known there, and they told me... They told me to bring you back, or they will come and fight me themselves.” 

It chuckles at that, but stops when it hears Karl sobbing again. It would ask what’s wrong, but it doesn’t need to– it knows Karl doesn’t have a clue about who it’s talking about. It decides to continue the story– it will tell its friend their names later, to make sure he can rest well. “And I am often bored when you aren’t around, so I bought them here to fight me as they wished to; I knew they couldn’t win but it was fun to see their surprised faces- I doubt they were expecting their little threat to work. They didn’t back down, though, so they earned my respect and I accepted to make sure their Karl would return to them soon, but they asked me another favor, the little turds. Do you know what it was ?” 

And Karl stays silent, but he thinks he can guess; he tries not to hope, because he can feel the tears starting again, which is surprising– with how much he’s been crying, he should have run out of tears a long time ago. The deity takes its time to disentangle his hair before answering its own questions. “They asked me if they could write you a book so you could know that this place is safe and only temporary; that there is another home waiting for you somewhere. And I do not like my creations messing around my castle, adding things and doing as they want– but for you, my dear, if it made you happy, then I would give you the universe and more. So I told them they could write a little; not much, but enough for you to feel better after a difficult travel.”

He can’t stop the sob he lets out at hearing that, and he loses control again– he’s back to crying as hard as before, because oh– there are people somewhere that cares about him so much that they would challenge a god, and he forgot them entirely. Between his cries, he manages a broken “I don’t remember them. They loved me, and I– I don’t remember who they are.” and it hurts so much, to think about all he has lost. 

The deity starts speaking again, rocking him slowly in its thin arms. “It’s okay; it’s okay, it’s not your fault that you forgot. It’s why they wrote the book– so you could know even if you forgot. Their names– would you like to know their names, my friend ?” 

Karl nods at that, because– because he’s so desperate to have something from before, even if it isn’t from the world he came from; he doesn’t dare to ask for too much, to ask for all of his memories, but if he could have something, anything– then he wants it, and he will cherish it. “They were called Sapnap and Quackity. I’m sure you know who they are, now.” 

It does not say more, and it doesn’t need to– hearing their names feel like the summer breeze washing all of your problems; giving you a moment of peace. Karl may not remember, but– it makes so much sense, and he cries some more, because how could he have not known? They are everywhere in the In-Between; Sapnap is in the feeling of comfort and the warmth of the place, and Quackity is in the birds singing and the feeling of safety– they have always been by his side, no matter the time, no matter the world– and Karl misses them so, so much. He wishes he could have them back, see them one last time– but he feels so tired, and he is too weak to travel again if he messes it up this time. He closes his eyes, trying to breathe normally and gain back some energy to move– but he fails, too drained and exhausted to get up. 

“It’s okay, my dear. You can rest now.” His breath starts to slow, and the deity’s voice sounds far– Karl thinks he might be falling asleep, and he welcomes the idea with another quiet sob. “You will be alright, my child. It’s over now, I promise you.”

***

Seeing its child hurt like this had not been a pleasant sight, even if it had been the one to push him to tears; it needed to be done, at some point. The deity would have felt guilty if it had let Karl go with all of these feelings hidden somewhere deep in his heart; starting a new life that way was never a good thing.

As the deity of the universe, it could call Karl its child, like it could call everyone and everything else its children too; it usually prefers to call them its creations, but– an exception had to be made for Karl, because he was more than something it created a long time ago; Karl was friend, someone it liked a lot.  
It hadn’t expected to have this kind of relationship again, after spending its life mostly alone, but it had been difficult to not get attached to the boy when meeting him in its castle during his travel (and it had been difficult to not be hurt as it watched its boy come back a little less himself, a little more broken, each time he visited). Not that it mattered now, anyway; it had been nice to spend some time with Karl, but watching him destroy himself over and over was not acceptable anymore, and so the deity had decided to take his fate into its hands again. 

Its boy is still sleeping in his arms when it decides to search for a world to put him in. It hesitates over the one where he met Sapnap and Quackity for the first time; they are old in this world now, and it thinks Karl deserves to live a life to its fullest, making his own memories with his friends, instead of waking up some days with the memories of one of his alternative-self who already lived a full life, even if it was a good one. It spends hours searching for a good one– it stops at the one Karl just left and watches Dream trying to survive alone with his demons, a result of trying to be too big of a god too soon. It’s a shame that it had to end like that for him, but not a surprise Dream is an interesting creation of it, one it decided to make god in every world, because he reminds it of itself when he was younger and still learning how to rule over so many things it didn’t ask to have. So far, he has destroyed his world almost every single time, but it doesn’t despair– it knows its boy has the potential to be good. 

It’s thinking about this that reminds the deity of a newly born world; one where things seem to be okay and peaceful. It pulls the string of that universe, and watches it closely– Karl has suffered so much, and it will not give him anything less than the best he can have. It spends time debating over it, wondering if it wouldn’t be better to put its boy into a completely different universe, but it feels cruel to separate him from his two beloved- and so it chooses to put him in this new world. It will watch over it and make sure that things are going well. It will correct them when it doesn’t; it will not watch it explode again because of human greed. 

Ultimately, it decides to erase Karl’s memory of everything he ever lived through, and remove his ability to time travel. He will remember happy memories as dreams, and will forget about the pain and the deaths of his friends; it’s better for him this way, and it will make him think that he was born in this world, instead of taking the place of an alternative-self. 

It hurts to say goodbye to its boy– they will never meet again after this, but it’s for the best. Slowly, it settles him down to this world, and wishes him a good life. It will make sure he has one.

***

When Karl wakes up, he is wrapped up in warm blankets, in a comfortable bed, and with many animals curled up around him. It takes him a few minutes, but he recognizes Sketchers and Juni along with all the others– Mars is there, too, in the aquarium across the bedroom; Karl doesn’t know why it warms his heart so much, because he has been seeing them every day for a while, now, but it does. His head hurts a little, and he blames it on the weird night he had; he dreamed about a lot of weird things, and he feels too exhausted to get out of bed. He doesn’t feel too bad– quite the opposite, to his surprise; but he must feel more emotional than usual because seeing his colorful hoodie and being in the comfort of his bedroom makes him tear up a little.

The door opens, and Karl feels his heart skip a bit when Sapnap enters alongside Quackity– they seem surprised to see him awake, because they stop talking immediately. 

“Karl! You’re finally awake !” Quackity is the first to break the silence, the biggest smile on his face, and Sapnap is quick to follow. “Are you okay? Is your head still hurting ?” 

He can’t help it, then; he breaks down in tears, but it’s the good kind. It’s stupid– he should be used to waking up to them by now, with them living all together for the past few months; but he’s feeling so incredibly happy that he can’t control the tears coming out of his eyes. They’re quick to run by his side, worried, but they seem to relax when they hear him laugh. 

“Sorry, I’m okay, I swear. It’s just good to be home.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, I hope you liked it :D don't hesitate to leave kudos or comments, it makes my day :] the next parts are going to be happier i promise !!


End file.
